The Five Levels of Drinking
It's 11:00 on a weeknight; you've had a few beers.
You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one
your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED
friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh
come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven
hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've
just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get
leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears
on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out
friends! What am I working for anyway? These are
the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps
fingers) I'm cool."
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila.
You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And
now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most
beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love
On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the
stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face.
get drinking fantasies. (Like, "Hey fellas,
if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could
Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three,
that devil is a little bit bigger.... and he's buying. And you're
"Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get
three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers),
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending.
For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE
artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom,
you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you
don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our
busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your
friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown
out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at
four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....
as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may
well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good
for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like
Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make
it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying
to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't
anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends
wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been
prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind
of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn
in. I gotta be
in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler,
I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some
thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon
wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think
yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!"
One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN'
FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside
for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun.
weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You
walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way
work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know.
And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're
and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like
you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is
flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I
swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!"
some of us have that little addition, "and this
time, I mean it!"